Since I am screaming into the void anyway and nobody cares about whatever I post here, I just want to be honest and confess that I, not for a change, am really struggling. I don't really want to be here and I want to check out, disappear as if I never even existed to start with — which the tape constantly running inside my head says I never did anyway.

The level of, let's say, neediness? deep inside me, the feeling of lack, the pointed focus on just wanting to be held and stay in someone's arms as if I was abandoned and I am some sort of cosmic orphan, whatever that mess says about me… all of that is often so loud and too much to bear that I just cannot deal with it anymore.

And right now is one of those moments.